An enhanced user experience ... !

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An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby Graybyrd » 01 Dec 2013 08:26

Bzzzzzt … bzzzzt …

Good day … MiriclSoft Support … how may we help you?

G’day … me bloody screen’s gone all green ‘n’ yellow! And the letters are scrambled!

I see. Sir, which of our products are you using?

Orifice 2012.5.25

Very good, Sir. And do you have our new “365+7+24 AutoPatch” feature enabled?


(Customer Support rep repeats question)

Beats the ‘ell outta me? Is this something new?

Oh, yes, Sir, quite new … as of 2350 GMT, a system-wide auto-patch was issued. Your copy of Orifice 2012.5.25 is now upgraded to Version 2012.5.5. We’re totally delighted to enhance your customer experience with MiriclSoft!

Last night? At four bleedin’ o’clock in the morning? How the ‘ell … me bleedin’ computer was turned off!

Oh no, Sir … to MiriclSoft, no customer’s computer is ever truly “off” … we take great pride in our ability to improve, upgrade, and enhance our customers’ product experience everywhere, anywhere, anytime. Be assured, Sir, it is totally safe and secure!

Well, what’s with the green ‘n’ yellow screen, then? And them scrambled words and letters? I opened me correspondence file, and I can’t read a bleedin’ thing!

Oh, not to worry, Sir! First, let me explain our new RetroView W-95 enhanced color upgrade. Our human interface engineers, after years of study, have determined that our new ‘Meadow Bloom’ color schema presents the optimal viewing experience with the least eye-strain risk.

Meadow Bloom!? You mean that sickly green and glarin’ yellow?

Please, Sir! I assure you, our ‘Meadow Bloom’ display is your best possible user experience, with the least possible eye-strain risk. MiriclSoft scientists expended thousands of study hours to develop the safest possible user experience for you!

Well, what’s with the scrambled words, then? Is that some “safety issue,” too?

Oh, to be sure, Sir! That is one of our PROUDEST achievements! We’ve long been concerned with personal security for our millions of users, and I’m pleased to announce our new feature — as part of the new universal Orifice 2012.5.5 auto-upgrade — the MiriclSoft AutoCrypt Screen Display enhancement!”

But I can’t READ the bleedin’ screen!

Precisely, Sir … precisely! And neither can anyone looking over your shoulder, Sir. Until last evening, anything you input was displayed on the monitor in plain text, which anyone looking over your shoulder, or passing by, or peering over the top of your cubicle divider, could also read. Think of the insecure situation THAT represented, Sir.

But how in bleedin’ ‘ell do I read it, MESELF!?

No problem, Sir. Simply press [Option-shift-control]; then select [Display]; then [Decipher]; then [Method]; then [ROT-13]; then [Blink]; and then choose either [ON] or [OFF]. It’s as simple as that, Sir. And you can use the Control Panel to set the blink periodicity to increase or decrease the flashing display time.

Did you say “ROT-13?”

Yes, Sir. ROT-13. That’s a key feature of the new RetroView W-95/AutoCrypt Screen Display technology!

ROT-13! You’re bleedin’ serious? Yer bleedin’ auto-upgrade stuffed my monitor display with sickly green and glarin’ yellow, and now yer scramblin’ me typin’ wi’dat stupid old ROT-13 gimmick and you expect me to sit there and READ THAT!?

We at MiriclSoft do understand, Sir, that there will be a brief acclimatization process involved, but our hundreds of focus groups have agreed that this is, indeed, a great leap forward in the MiriclSoft User Experience. We’re certain that you will agree, Sir, and that you will soon adjust. Thank you for calling, Sir, and enjoy your new upgrade!

Wait! Hang on a minute … Hello? HELLO!?

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Arjen Balfoort
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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby Arjen Balfoort » 01 Dec 2013 08:50

:lol: That was fun!
You're not a fan of Win8 and MS, I guess?

I remember when I was working for a client, a multinational in this region, and needed support from MS. It was a production critical issue...MS was eager to help, and called back three days later. Of course, by that time we solved the issue. Funny thing though, the client never re-considered their relation to MS and MS products: the power of lock-in.

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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby Graybyrd » 01 Dec 2013 11:57

Thanks! It was great fun to write ... and you are correct. Everytime I think of MSoft, I envision an ant lion trap and a hungry beast hidden in the bottom, eating its unwary victims. Once in the trap, the victim is unable to scramble up the sand slope as it crumbles and slides away beneath them. Sort of like the 'lock-in' you mentioned ...

My feelings about Windows 8 will be made clear when I next post (here) a little exposé about the MS touch-screen interface and a plump hot dog.

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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby wayne » 01 Dec 2013 12:37

i must say: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
:D :D :D

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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby fleabus » 01 Dec 2013 13:55

Beautiful! That was hilarious, Gray... :lol:

I eagerly await your next.

Sometimes for some real entertainment, I head over to Debian and check out the latest world saving discussion amongst the egg-head philosopher-priests and self appointed literati - the ones that snowball into 47 pages, usually over some troll.

I'll never forget that guy who wanted to install all 37,000 packages, that was a riot!

He definitely livened up those poor old burn-outs for at least a month.

In the end they couldn't decide if he was a troll or not, but that if he was, he was certainly the best they'd ever seen. Wound up saluting the guy. :lol:

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Dr G
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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby Dr G » 01 Dec 2013 14:47


Excellent! :lol:

Q: May I post it, with an appropriate link back to this discussion, to my blog ( )? :mrgreen:

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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby ScottQuier » 01 Dec 2013 15:25

That was completely over-the-top funny! Well done, indeed! :lol: :lol: :lol:

And, I can't wait for the
exposé about the MS touch-screen interface and a plump hot dog.
That just sounds so risque!
Quoting zerozero, "The usage of PPA's in debian-based
systems is risky at best and entails serious compatibility
problems; usually it's the best way to destroy an install"

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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby smackthepony » 01 Dec 2013 18:54

Graybyrd wrote:Precisely, Sir … precisely! And neither can anyone looking over your shoulder
:D :D :D lawl, keep 'em coming, great post.

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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby Graybyrd » 01 Dec 2013 23:52

@ Dr G: yes, sir, you have my blessing to use that piece. And to everyone else, thank you for your kindness! To be honest, I had a great deal of fun writing that ... after all, MiriclSoft (Our motto: a miracle every minute with MiriclSoft!) did all of the work for me! :D


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ane champenois
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Re: An enhanced user experience ... !

Postby ane champenois » 05 Dec 2013 13:57

:lol: Really funny!
M$ support, my wife had work for them a little time: a real joke, she was sad for the users :roll:
They did not know it was impossible so they did it.

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